Moving is Overwhelming, and I am Human.

Leaving is hard. Have I emphasized that enough? I think I have. When you embrace a new life, you have to let the old one go. And that causes some intense emotion.

The night before I left (or so I thought would be), I took a walk. It was late, 10 or so, and I needed to get out of my apartment. It was stifling. Packing was off-schedule. There was too much to do in too little time, and I had underestimated it all.

Failure? Had I failed? I wasn’t prepared. I yelled at my mom. I’m not proud of that. She had flown up to New York to drive across the country with me. (I had recruited her for the task because two women traveling are safer than one woman traveling? Eh. Anyway.) She knew I was emotional and walked in between me and the door.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just want to go for a walk.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m anxious and upset, and I want to go for a walk!” I had just been scrubbing my shower for an hour. My arms ached. I realized how much more needed to be done.

“Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“I’m anxious and upset!”

“Why are you yelling? Do you want the whole house to hear this?”

“I’m anxious and upset! And I wouldn’t be if I could  go for a walk!”

That did it; she moved. I felt a tad guilty but hugely relieved to walk into the crisp night.

I feared I wouldn’t be leaving the next day. But more importantly, I knew my years on my own in Rochester had ended the moment my mom’s plane touched down. I felt less like an adult, more like a child, and that was amplified by how she showed me how unprepared I really was to leave the next morning.

Had I failed?

Wasn’t that my decision? Hot tears slid down my cheeks. Soft Scrub was stained on my shirt. I was a little sweaty. None of that mattered as the cars drove by, as I passed happy tipsy people on porches.

I was leaving it all—the life I had created and the people I loved there; I didn’t feel okay. Usually, I’d tell myself that ‘not okay’ was okay, appropriate to the situation. I couldn’t. My emotions were overwhelming.

20150502_215156_LLS

I walked down the side street pictured above. I love how trees in a New York spring will blossom flowers. (They don’t do this in Florida of course.) It was still a gorgeous sight for me, but it looked haunted in the night lit up by the street lamp. I stopped. I stared. I snapped a shot. This picture is how I felt that night. Sad, hopeful, and haunted by fear of failure.

I did leave a day later than planned. And what did that ruin?

Nothing.

And what did leaving change?

Everything.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Moving is Overwhelming, and I am Human.

  1. This is by far my favorite thing you have written that I have read.

    As usual Daniel has a comment; leaving will change nothing about the world. Learning is difficult. Failure is inevitable. —LeavingMoving forward will only change you, that is what is important. Keep growing, keep smiling, keep living, and most impotantly keep loving yourself.

    Like

  2. Reblogged this on whatareyourwords and commented:
    I’m sad you’re not downstairs anymore. I don’t see the light on in your living room or your car in the driveway. I can’t shout “KStew!” Or knock on your door to borrow eggs or flax seed or invite you to coffee and the record store. I’ll probably dislike whoever moves in simply for not being you.

    I think I have a better understanding of how G felt when I moved to Boston, without all the unrequited love and dishonesty. I’m afraid this is what life is like when you get older, your friends move away, get married, have less time for you. It’s a huge bummer.

    You’re one of the few people I’ve met, especially female, that I felt is trying and that ultimately I believe is going to be okay. I’ve never invited anyone else to Thursdays, and I’m so glad it was beneficial to you. I believe in you, and not just in the way that I believe in Buckley’s ability to jump.

    You’re super brave for moving. I relate with starting again in a new place, and I think it can such a huge growth experience. There’s risk, and it’s emotional and scary and uncomfortable, but all of those things are just opportunities to know yourself better and you’re worth knowing.

    I love you and I’m super grateful we met. I hope we’re always friends.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can so relate to what you’re going through. My parents just sold their beach house, which had become our home away from home, even though we live at the beach ourselves and have brought all the kayaks back home to continue the activities we loved over there. I am trying to be philosophical about it. The more time you spend seeing one place under the microscope, the less time you have for seeing the world…the bigger picture. I am trusting that something amazing is just around the next corner. That there is an upside to this loss and grief…please!
    I wrote two posts about it and here’s a link to the first one. You’ll probably relate: https://beyondtheflow.wordpress.com/2015/05/06/moon-rising-love-and-loss/
    All the best with the move xx Rowena

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s