I won’t fight anymore.
I won’t contact, won’t initiate honesty (to see what you’ll say), won’t.
If your word is shit, then it’s time I learn.
It’s not my duty to save you, to make you comfortable despite myself, to lift you up, while my dignity drowns.
It’s not my place to control or be the guardian of boundaries that I think may work more for you than me, in spite of me, while my dignity drowns.
My dignity drowns, while you’re still dry. What I think is a service is really an unfortunate irrational, ingrained pattern of behavior of mine.
‘Take care of them, Kris. Take care, take care, take care. Because maybe one day they’ll get it. And they’ll be there for you; they’ll respect you for you, just as you’ve done for them all this time.’
…Like I’m putting in time—“doing time”—so that possibly one day in the future, I’ll be treated the way I deserve to be treated.
How about TODAY?
How about today accepting only the people who have the courage to be themselves with you, to treat you with respect, and to hold your dignity as equal to theirs?
It would feel wrong, wouldn’t it?
The respect. The kindness. The caring.
Because you didn’t have to sacrifice for it. It was freely given.
You’re not even sure how to register that treatment into your mind, do you? Can’t judge it…is it good, bad, neutral? We have no file folders on this!
No place to organize the respectful, equal treatment, you say? Then trash it!
And you do, don’t you? You have, haven’t you?
I know and I understand. You’re an incredible girl—an ancient soul—with a lot of hurt inside. It will always be there.
But don’t spend the rest of your life trashing the goodness of people because you didn’t earn it. Honey, we (should) never have to earn respect. It should be freely given.
Don’t let your dignity drown in waters deep with pain while others’ stand dry on the shore, comfortable, because you were careful to place theirs there.
What a kind soul, what a kind self-destructive soul you’ve been. Stop.
Let them struggle. Let the insecure struggle to find their standing. It’ll probably be in the water. Don’t control them; don’t make them feel comfortable despite yourself.
You’re not doing anyone any good. They’re learning nothing (just that they can use you), and you’re hurting.
Accept the respectable ones who freely give and stand secure. Freely give to them, Kris. Because with them, you’re freely giving back.
And THAT is what respect ought to be: an exchange.